House Hunting

I wish I could say I was feeling better.  That's just not the case.  But at least I don't feel worse.

Two weeks ago I met with a Realtor and looked at a couple of houses.  We looked at four more on Friday. I really wanted to find a house, but none of them felt like home.  One was very nice and almost felt like home.  I could see myself living there, but not living there forever.  I do realize it's unlikely that I'll end up living in the house forever, but I want to feel like I could live there forever.  Hopefully he'll come up with a few more to look at this week.

I still feel like God is leading me.  I've felt confident about the Realtor and I have a very strong feeling that everything's going to take place in the next two weeks.  I have spring break next week and I've felt since January that that will be the week.  This strong intuition thing runs in the family.  My nana had strong intuition too.  She always told me to be still and listen and then do what His voice told me to do.  And He's telling me to be patient until spring break and that's when He'll give me my house.

I'm still struggling with depression and it's becoming more and more difficult to leave the house.  I really hate this feeling.  Especially when spring is so close.  Spring is my season.  It's warm at last, it's sunny all the time, and the days keep getting longer.  It was beautiful today and I had to force myself to get out and take a walk.  I enjoyed the walk, but I didn't enjoy all of the people out on this beautiful day.  People are just driving me crazy.  And they're not doing anything!  They're not harassing me, they're not talking to me or yelling at each other or doing anything else that would irritate me.  They're just going about their business, but I want to be away from them.

I see my councilor in two weeks and I've taken a chance at inviting people into my home for Bible study.  I love these people, I truly do.  And my councilor does help me.  I work with people.  I have to be with them.  So I really, really need to get over this feeling.  I honestly don't know what to do.  Beyond praying desperately for strength and patience, I can think of nothing else to do.

Dealing with Depression

I really couldn't tell you what is wrong with me.  It defies explanation.   I can describe the symptoms, tell you what I don't want to do and what I do what to do, but finding a word, or ten, to help you understand what I feel is impossible.

What I can tell you is that I just want to be at home.  I have to force myself out of my apartment, so you can understand how my work is suffering.  I usually enjoy my job.  Now I can't focus and just count the hours until I can go home.  You can also imagine how I have little passion for finding a house.

I don't understand how people live like this.  I'm not saying I'm the only one to ever feel this way, and I know that many people feel worse than I do.  I don't mean to whine, and I do feel like I'm whining.  But I just want to feel better and don't see how I ever will.  Spring usually helps, but it's gorgeous outside and I just feel wretched.

If anyone has any suggestions for coping with this feeling, feel free to share.  Chocolate doesn't even help, how awful is that?

Taxes and Houses

It's hard to determine when I should update.  There's not much going on here.  I spent way too much at Target a week ago, but I've been very well behaved since then.  I'm pretty sure I don't deserve praise for that.

Lately I've been worrying over how much my paycheck is going to shrink since payroll taxes went up.  I worked on my budget last weekend and my best guess would leave me with $32 after I pay all my bills.  That won't buy me gas for two weeks let alone groceries for four weeks or laundry money for the month.  I altered some payment options for credit cards I was paying more than the minimum on and increased my take home pay and heaved a sigh of cautious relief that I might be able to afford gas or laundry, but not both, and maybe groceries for two weeks.  Happily, February is a short month.  Not that that will make any difference in the coming months when my paycheck remains stagnant and my bills continue to come due.

And last week my boss gave us a flyer indicating what the median salaries of those in our profession with equivalent experience earned.  Learning that I make $18,000 less a month than the average salary of other librarians really gave me a confidence boost.  It's horrible to realize that your employer undervalues you so much.  I've toyed with the notion of getting a second job, but the thought of leaving here, rushing home then rushing out to another job for three or four hours feels me with dread.  With my mental and physical conditions I don't think I could handle it.  I've also thought of working out of my apartment.  I'll continue to research my options in that regard.

I talked to a Loan Officer at a bank who gave me contact information about an FHA Loan Officer.  I spoke to her this morning and she's running my credit and all that other good stuff.  She's calling back later today.  I'm praying really hard right now.  I think my credit is pretty good and hopefully so will she.  It's all very nerve wracking.  I definitely don't need this stress right now.  And it's making me really hungry.  I'm trying to convince myself I am NOT hungry.  It's not going well.  And water just isn't satisfying.

On top of all that, my car is at the dealership for a recall repair.  Thankfully it is a recall and it is a free repair. But now I feel trapped at work, which I don't like.  Who knew having a car in the parking lot was so essential to my well-being?

Oh, Paul, you torment me so.

Reading II Corinthians this morning I was moved to tears.

It's no secret I'm struggling with faith.  It's gotten a bit worse over the past few weeks.  It hasn't been the overarching faith, my belief was still strong.  But this morning, before my reading, I questioned Him and myself and our relationship.

And then I read II Corinthians 13.

"Put yourselves to the test to see if you are in the faith; examine yourselves!  Or do you not recognize regarding yourselves that Jesus Christ is in you -- unless, indeed, you fail the test!" II Corinthians 13:5 (NET)

I've read a lot of scripture lately about testing faith, testing God, standing the test.  And my Nana liked the story of Gideon and encouraged us to lay out the fleece and see what happens.  I did that today.  But I still feel a bit lost.

I want a house.  I need to get out of the apartment I'm in and move somewhere I feel safe.  And I know that living in a house will probably not make me feel much safer, but it's a move I've wanted to make for years.  I applied for pre-approval for a mortgage today.  I hope to hear back from them tomorrow.  But I'm not sure if I'm going about this backwards.  I need some advice from people who have bought a house recently and I will be asking friends about the proper steps I should take as soon as I see them again.  But I'm convinced I should have a soft yes from a bank before I put a Realtor to work for me.  I just don't know.

The fleece has been laid out.  I'll see what happens tomorrow.

Malachi 3:10

I'm not enamored with the idea of testing God.  But He did challenge us to.  "Test me on this to see if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until there is no room for it all."  

I've never been good at Tithing.  I try to give an offering, but I've  never given a tenth of what I earn.  Mostly because I don't earn that much, being a librarian at a rather small university.  I know it's just an excuse.  I'm just not dedicated.  And I'm a little afraid, what with the massive debt and wanting to buy groceries and all.  

But He has been bludgeoning me on this topic for a couple of years.  And it occurs to me that I should have a greater fear of not obeying Him than of not being able to pay my debts.  And He has promised to take care of me.  Which is where the lack of trust thing comes into play.  It's a dangerous cycle.

Yesterday, when I was paying my bills, I wrote a check to my church for one tenth of my paycheck.  It was a bit terrifying, but also made me excited.  I'm excited about giving my money to the church, to God. He gave it to me, I'm just giving back to Him.  It's overwhelming.  Even now I can't keep the smile off my face and my eyes are filling with tears.  This is a huge step for me, and I can feel how proud He is of this step.  I'm actually less worried about my financial future than I ever have been before.  And it is because I am placing all of my monetary worries on Him.  

I'm still not comfortable with the idea of 'testing' Him.  But I can't wait to see what happens next.

"Yes" in Christ

Sometimes God actually does smack me upside the head.

It's no secret that I want a house, although I'm not entirely sure I'm ready fiscally or physically.  But I can't stand to live in this apartment another year.   Now seems the time to buy a house.  All I need is faith.  I know God wants better things for me.  I know He wants me to feel safe in my home.  I just need faith to know that He is working for the good for me.  Patience is always an issue.  And it's no secret that faith is an issue.  Not to mention finances, which I continue to struggle with despite my best efforts.

But this morning I was reading II Corinthians and God really did smack me upside the head.  I'm a stubborn, stupid girl and I need Him to hammer it home before I truly believe.  II Corinthians was the hammer this morning.  "For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'yes' in Christ."  (II Corinthians 1:20)  All of my worries, all of my doubts are yes in Christ.  That is all I have to know.

I need a caretaker

I saw Skyfall today.  I got a free ticket.  When I bought Quantum of Solace.  So it almost evens out.  Skyfall was a typical James Bond film.  And then it got good!  And then it was a typical James Bond movie.  And then it got good again.  No spoilers!  You're welcome.  But if you can, go see it.  It was good.

I had a lovely lunch with library friends today.  It's nice to visit work friends outside of work.  But that was the high point of my day.  The movie was good, but the shopping spree between lunch and the movie wasn't so good.

I went to Joann's and got an Ott Light.  It was half off.  I can almost justify it.  My depression gets a bit less depressing when I have good light.  I have no ceiling light in my living room and the lamps I have are not very bright, no matter what wattage bulb I put in it.  The Ott light mimics daylight.  It's already quite helpful and it will be even more helpful when I start on my cross stitching.  The shoes I got are a bit harder to justify.  I do need walking shoes that don't give me blisters.  But I didn't really need shoes now.  Nor did I need the second pair of shoes.  I just....

It's crazy what I put myself through.  I'm not stupid, all evidence to the contrary.  I can pay it off.  But I shouldn't be putting myself deeper in debt.  I know better.  I need to stop being stupid.

Anyone want to help me out with that?

Go me!

I went to the mall yesterday, inadvertently.  All I wanted to get was stamps, but my regular post office had a line going out the door and I didn't feel like standing in line forever.  It was cold yesterday.  So I went to Joann's and the mall is just across the street.  And they have a post office!  But they didn't open until ten.  Every other post office in the nation opens at nine.  Why didn't the mall post office.  But I managed to walk out with only the thing I went in there for.  And it wasn't easy.  But every time I stopped to look at something a voice kept asking me if I really needed that.  It was quite a relief to realize that I didn't.  And I walked away.  As said, not easy.  There were some really cute shoes on sale.  But I did it.  And I even got my walking in.  It was cold.  Walking inside the mall, despite the temptation to shop, was much better than walking in the cold drizzle.  And I only got what was on my list.  I really needed that voice.  I pray it never goes away.

The problem with faith

I'm a believer.  I was raised Christian, had a brief falling out, but have been blessed to return to the beliefs that lead me through childhood.  But childhood was not easy.  It wasn't horrific, but it was difficult.  I've never felt I could rely on anyone but myself.  I learned at a very young age how to be self-sufficient.  So leaning on God has not been easy.

There's a reason it's called a 'Leap of Faith'.  I felt like I was leaping off a cliff when I cut up my credit cards.  I've depended on them to buy gas and groceries.  Cutting them up was a command from God, one I had resisted to follow for a long time.  But doing it made me feel a sense of peace I hadn't felt in a long time.

I feel like I'm taking another leap now.  I have given an offering most of my adult life, but never a true tithe.  But Malachi 3:10 has been on my mind for months.  My paycheck is very small and my bills are very great.  But I am resolved to test God on this, just as He says.  I'm just a bit terrified, but I'm leaping off this cliff.

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind"

My grandmother used to say that when she accused of us not visiting her often enough.  She was always joking, mostly, because we visited her all the time and always thought about her and bought her gifts when we were out and about without her.  But I've found, since I moved away from my family, that this is true.

Maybe it's just my SAD kicking in, but the fact that they never call me and I've had two visits from family members in the past thirteen years.  That, to me, sounds like "out of sight, out of mind."

Then, again, maybe I'm just whining.  I hate this time of year.  My mood swings worse than a carnival ride.  I used to travel home at least twice a year and that seemed enough to me.  It did bother me that I was always the one traveling, but I felt like I was going home and coming back to Indiana felt like was just a temporary resting place.  But I'm here now, I live here and it feels like home here.  So I haven't been going home as often.  And I can't afford to go home as often.  And I would understand if family didn't have money to travel either.  But they do.  They travel all the time.  But they never travel to see me.  "Out of sight, out of mind."

Is a title mandatory?

I really dislike this time of year.  The dark starting earlier and earlier.  The cold creeping in.  The holidays coming up....

My mom called me Friday evening and my heart started pounding.  See, my mom, actually no one in my family, ever calls me.  Unless someone has died.  Or they need something.  As soon as I saw her name on the caller ID I began a checklist of who has a dangerous occupation or has a serious medical condition.  I immediately thought of my dad, because he does have a rather dangerous occupation.  Or my sister, who has medical issues that she is still coping with.  And she has been in the hospital or taken to emergency at least once a year for the past three years.

So imagine my surprise when she just wanted to know if I wanted something out of the attic.  She's been cleaning out the attic for the past six months and came across some pots and pans and dinnerware that I might like.   We actually had a pleasant conversation.  And I didn't have to call to initiate it.

Which leads me to the thing with the heart pounding fear.  I have anxiety, sometimes very serious anxiety issues.  I struggle tremendously this time of year with depression, which goes hand in hand with anxiety.  So while I'm out walking at dusk, which starts at 6 now, I fight panic as I try and decide who is dead or in the hospital.  Not a good way to go through life.

Being alone

It's not the same as being lonely.  A lot of people don't understand that.  They believe that because I'm alone I must be lonely all the time.  Not so much.

Of course, I get lonely.  There are times when I want someone to enjoy a meal with or go to the movies with me.  But most of the time I'm happier alone.  Crowds make me anxious.  And I'm the type of personality that likes to make people happy, which doesn't always make me happy.  When I'm alone I can do what I want when I want.  I don't have to worry about what others want to do.  And I don't like to consider every action and how people will judge me for it.  There is no one that I can be myself with.  I feel as if I'm always hiding something.  When I'm alone I don't worry about others.  It's freeing, actually, living alone and spending time alone.  I can't imagine anyone I'd rather be with.

Someone give me a mortgage!

I have to get out of this apartment.

Don't get me wrong, I like my apartment.  It's just enough room, it's comfortable, and I've made it my space.  But my neighbors....

I don't know what they smoke, and honestly I don't want to know, but it stinks up the stairwell.  Not to mention the leaving of their shoes in the middle of the corridor.  Who does that?  Not to mention the leaving of clothes, cigarette butts, plastic bags and other paraphernalia outside.

And the people who live here now....  I don't feel unsafe, per se, but I walk from my car to my door as quickly as I can.

And then there's the shouting, and the slamming doors, and the shouting.  I need to get out of here.

Trust issues

It's not surprising I have trust issues.  Everyone does, right?  The problem is that my trust issues seem to be expanding.

I wasn't always like this.  I use to trust everyone.  I trusted too much.  And everyone let me down.  They were human and I don't blame them.  I set my hopes too high and they let me down.  So, over time, I learned not to trust people.  And now I don't trust anyone.  I've learned to do everything myself.  When I need help I figure it out and I get it done, no matter what needs to be done.  I'm self sufficient and I'm okay with that.  The problem is that I find it difficult to trust in God.

I turn to His word for comfort, but I can't believe His promises.  It's my own failing.  That trust issue thing.  I want to believe, but I read His word and I want to believe and... it doesn't happen.  But I'm working on it.  It's not easy and it's not going well.