Oh, Paul, you torment me so.

Reading II Corinthians this morning I was moved to tears.

It's no secret I'm struggling with faith.  It's gotten a bit worse over the past few weeks.  It hasn't been the overarching faith, my belief was still strong.  But this morning, before my reading, I questioned Him and myself and our relationship.

And then I read II Corinthians 13.

"Put yourselves to the test to see if you are in the faith; examine yourselves!  Or do you not recognize regarding yourselves that Jesus Christ is in you -- unless, indeed, you fail the test!" II Corinthians 13:5 (NET)

I've read a lot of scripture lately about testing faith, testing God, standing the test.  And my Nana liked the story of Gideon and encouraged us to lay out the fleece and see what happens.  I did that today.  But I still feel a bit lost.

I want a house.  I need to get out of the apartment I'm in and move somewhere I feel safe.  And I know that living in a house will probably not make me feel much safer, but it's a move I've wanted to make for years.  I applied for pre-approval for a mortgage today.  I hope to hear back from them tomorrow.  But I'm not sure if I'm going about this backwards.  I need some advice from people who have bought a house recently and I will be asking friends about the proper steps I should take as soon as I see them again.  But I'm convinced I should have a soft yes from a bank before I put a Realtor to work for me.  I just don't know.

The fleece has been laid out.  I'll see what happens tomorrow.

Malachi 3:10

I'm not enamored with the idea of testing God.  But He did challenge us to.  "Test me on this to see if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until there is no room for it all."  

I've never been good at Tithing.  I try to give an offering, but I've  never given a tenth of what I earn.  Mostly because I don't earn that much, being a librarian at a rather small university.  I know it's just an excuse.  I'm just not dedicated.  And I'm a little afraid, what with the massive debt and wanting to buy groceries and all.  

But He has been bludgeoning me on this topic for a couple of years.  And it occurs to me that I should have a greater fear of not obeying Him than of not being able to pay my debts.  And He has promised to take care of me.  Which is where the lack of trust thing comes into play.  It's a dangerous cycle.

Yesterday, when I was paying my bills, I wrote a check to my church for one tenth of my paycheck.  It was a bit terrifying, but also made me excited.  I'm excited about giving my money to the church, to God. He gave it to me, I'm just giving back to Him.  It's overwhelming.  Even now I can't keep the smile off my face and my eyes are filling with tears.  This is a huge step for me, and I can feel how proud He is of this step.  I'm actually less worried about my financial future than I ever have been before.  And it is because I am placing all of my monetary worries on Him.  

I'm still not comfortable with the idea of 'testing' Him.  But I can't wait to see what happens next.

Trust issues

It's not surprising I have trust issues.  Everyone does, right?  The problem is that my trust issues seem to be expanding.

I wasn't always like this.  I use to trust everyone.  I trusted too much.  And everyone let me down.  They were human and I don't blame them.  I set my hopes too high and they let me down.  So, over time, I learned not to trust people.  And now I don't trust anyone.  I've learned to do everything myself.  When I need help I figure it out and I get it done, no matter what needs to be done.  I'm self sufficient and I'm okay with that.  The problem is that I find it difficult to trust in God.

I turn to His word for comfort, but I can't believe His promises.  It's my own failing.  That trust issue thing.  I want to believe, but I read His word and I want to believe and... it doesn't happen.  But I'm working on it.  It's not easy and it's not going well.