"Yes" in Christ

Sometimes God actually does smack me upside the head.

It's no secret that I want a house, although I'm not entirely sure I'm ready fiscally or physically.  But I can't stand to live in this apartment another year.   Now seems the time to buy a house.  All I need is faith.  I know God wants better things for me.  I know He wants me to feel safe in my home.  I just need faith to know that He is working for the good for me.  Patience is always an issue.  And it's no secret that faith is an issue.  Not to mention finances, which I continue to struggle with despite my best efforts.

But this morning I was reading II Corinthians and God really did smack me upside the head.  I'm a stubborn, stupid girl and I need Him to hammer it home before I truly believe.  II Corinthians was the hammer this morning.  "For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'yes' in Christ."  (II Corinthians 1:20)  All of my worries, all of my doubts are yes in Christ.  That is all I have to know.

I need a caretaker

I saw Skyfall today.  I got a free ticket.  When I bought Quantum of Solace.  So it almost evens out.  Skyfall was a typical James Bond film.  And then it got good!  And then it was a typical James Bond movie.  And then it got good again.  No spoilers!  You're welcome.  But if you can, go see it.  It was good.

I had a lovely lunch with library friends today.  It's nice to visit work friends outside of work.  But that was the high point of my day.  The movie was good, but the shopping spree between lunch and the movie wasn't so good.

I went to Joann's and got an Ott Light.  It was half off.  I can almost justify it.  My depression gets a bit less depressing when I have good light.  I have no ceiling light in my living room and the lamps I have are not very bright, no matter what wattage bulb I put in it.  The Ott light mimics daylight.  It's already quite helpful and it will be even more helpful when I start on my cross stitching.  The shoes I got are a bit harder to justify.  I do need walking shoes that don't give me blisters.  But I didn't really need shoes now.  Nor did I need the second pair of shoes.  I just....

It's crazy what I put myself through.  I'm not stupid, all evidence to the contrary.  I can pay it off.  But I shouldn't be putting myself deeper in debt.  I know better.  I need to stop being stupid.

Anyone want to help me out with that?

Go me!

I went to the mall yesterday, inadvertently.  All I wanted to get was stamps, but my regular post office had a line going out the door and I didn't feel like standing in line forever.  It was cold yesterday.  So I went to Joann's and the mall is just across the street.  And they have a post office!  But they didn't open until ten.  Every other post office in the nation opens at nine.  Why didn't the mall post office.  But I managed to walk out with only the thing I went in there for.  And it wasn't easy.  But every time I stopped to look at something a voice kept asking me if I really needed that.  It was quite a relief to realize that I didn't.  And I walked away.  As said, not easy.  There were some really cute shoes on sale.  But I did it.  And I even got my walking in.  It was cold.  Walking inside the mall, despite the temptation to shop, was much better than walking in the cold drizzle.  And I only got what was on my list.  I really needed that voice.  I pray it never goes away.

The problem with faith

I'm a believer.  I was raised Christian, had a brief falling out, but have been blessed to return to the beliefs that lead me through childhood.  But childhood was not easy.  It wasn't horrific, but it was difficult.  I've never felt I could rely on anyone but myself.  I learned at a very young age how to be self-sufficient.  So leaning on God has not been easy.

There's a reason it's called a 'Leap of Faith'.  I felt like I was leaping off a cliff when I cut up my credit cards.  I've depended on them to buy gas and groceries.  Cutting them up was a command from God, one I had resisted to follow for a long time.  But doing it made me feel a sense of peace I hadn't felt in a long time.

I feel like I'm taking another leap now.  I have given an offering most of my adult life, but never a true tithe.  But Malachi 3:10 has been on my mind for months.  My paycheck is very small and my bills are very great.  But I am resolved to test God on this, just as He says.  I'm just a bit terrified, but I'm leaping off this cliff.

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind"

My grandmother used to say that when she accused of us not visiting her often enough.  She was always joking, mostly, because we visited her all the time and always thought about her and bought her gifts when we were out and about without her.  But I've found, since I moved away from my family, that this is true.

Maybe it's just my SAD kicking in, but the fact that they never call me and I've had two visits from family members in the past thirteen years.  That, to me, sounds like "out of sight, out of mind."

Then, again, maybe I'm just whining.  I hate this time of year.  My mood swings worse than a carnival ride.  I used to travel home at least twice a year and that seemed enough to me.  It did bother me that I was always the one traveling, but I felt like I was going home and coming back to Indiana felt like was just a temporary resting place.  But I'm here now, I live here and it feels like home here.  So I haven't been going home as often.  And I can't afford to go home as often.  And I would understand if family didn't have money to travel either.  But they do.  They travel all the time.  But they never travel to see me.  "Out of sight, out of mind."

Is a title mandatory?

I really dislike this time of year.  The dark starting earlier and earlier.  The cold creeping in.  The holidays coming up....

My mom called me Friday evening and my heart started pounding.  See, my mom, actually no one in my family, ever calls me.  Unless someone has died.  Or they need something.  As soon as I saw her name on the caller ID I began a checklist of who has a dangerous occupation or has a serious medical condition.  I immediately thought of my dad, because he does have a rather dangerous occupation.  Or my sister, who has medical issues that she is still coping with.  And she has been in the hospital or taken to emergency at least once a year for the past three years.

So imagine my surprise when she just wanted to know if I wanted something out of the attic.  She's been cleaning out the attic for the past six months and came across some pots and pans and dinnerware that I might like.   We actually had a pleasant conversation.  And I didn't have to call to initiate it.

Which leads me to the thing with the heart pounding fear.  I have anxiety, sometimes very serious anxiety issues.  I struggle tremendously this time of year with depression, which goes hand in hand with anxiety.  So while I'm out walking at dusk, which starts at 6 now, I fight panic as I try and decide who is dead or in the hospital.  Not a good way to go through life.

Being alone

It's not the same as being lonely.  A lot of people don't understand that.  They believe that because I'm alone I must be lonely all the time.  Not so much.

Of course, I get lonely.  There are times when I want someone to enjoy a meal with or go to the movies with me.  But most of the time I'm happier alone.  Crowds make me anxious.  And I'm the type of personality that likes to make people happy, which doesn't always make me happy.  When I'm alone I can do what I want when I want.  I don't have to worry about what others want to do.  And I don't like to consider every action and how people will judge me for it.  There is no one that I can be myself with.  I feel as if I'm always hiding something.  When I'm alone I don't worry about others.  It's freeing, actually, living alone and spending time alone.  I can't imagine anyone I'd rather be with.

Someone give me a mortgage!

I have to get out of this apartment.

Don't get me wrong, I like my apartment.  It's just enough room, it's comfortable, and I've made it my space.  But my neighbors....

I don't know what they smoke, and honestly I don't want to know, but it stinks up the stairwell.  Not to mention the leaving of their shoes in the middle of the corridor.  Who does that?  Not to mention the leaving of clothes, cigarette butts, plastic bags and other paraphernalia outside.

And the people who live here now....  I don't feel unsafe, per se, but I walk from my car to my door as quickly as I can.

And then there's the shouting, and the slamming doors, and the shouting.  I need to get out of here.

Trust issues

It's not surprising I have trust issues.  Everyone does, right?  The problem is that my trust issues seem to be expanding.

I wasn't always like this.  I use to trust everyone.  I trusted too much.  And everyone let me down.  They were human and I don't blame them.  I set my hopes too high and they let me down.  So, over time, I learned not to trust people.  And now I don't trust anyone.  I've learned to do everything myself.  When I need help I figure it out and I get it done, no matter what needs to be done.  I'm self sufficient and I'm okay with that.  The problem is that I find it difficult to trust in God.

I turn to His word for comfort, but I can't believe His promises.  It's my own failing.  That trust issue thing.  I want to believe, but I read His word and I want to believe and... it doesn't happen.  But I'm working on it.  It's not easy and it's not going well.