House Hunting

I wish I could say I was feeling better.  That's just not the case.  But at least I don't feel worse.

Two weeks ago I met with a Realtor and looked at a couple of houses.  We looked at four more on Friday. I really wanted to find a house, but none of them felt like home.  One was very nice and almost felt like home.  I could see myself living there, but not living there forever.  I do realize it's unlikely that I'll end up living in the house forever, but I want to feel like I could live there forever.  Hopefully he'll come up with a few more to look at this week.

I still feel like God is leading me.  I've felt confident about the Realtor and I have a very strong feeling that everything's going to take place in the next two weeks.  I have spring break next week and I've felt since January that that will be the week.  This strong intuition thing runs in the family.  My nana had strong intuition too.  She always told me to be still and listen and then do what His voice told me to do.  And He's telling me to be patient until spring break and that's when He'll give me my house.

I'm still struggling with depression and it's becoming more and more difficult to leave the house.  I really hate this feeling.  Especially when spring is so close.  Spring is my season.  It's warm at last, it's sunny all the time, and the days keep getting longer.  It was beautiful today and I had to force myself to get out and take a walk.  I enjoyed the walk, but I didn't enjoy all of the people out on this beautiful day.  People are just driving me crazy.  And they're not doing anything!  They're not harassing me, they're not talking to me or yelling at each other or doing anything else that would irritate me.  They're just going about their business, but I want to be away from them.

I see my councilor in two weeks and I've taken a chance at inviting people into my home for Bible study.  I love these people, I truly do.  And my councilor does help me.  I work with people.  I have to be with them.  So I really, really need to get over this feeling.  I honestly don't know what to do.  Beyond praying desperately for strength and patience, I can think of nothing else to do.

Dealing with Depression

I really couldn't tell you what is wrong with me.  It defies explanation.   I can describe the symptoms, tell you what I don't want to do and what I do what to do, but finding a word, or ten, to help you understand what I feel is impossible.

What I can tell you is that I just want to be at home.  I have to force myself out of my apartment, so you can understand how my work is suffering.  I usually enjoy my job.  Now I can't focus and just count the hours until I can go home.  You can also imagine how I have little passion for finding a house.

I don't understand how people live like this.  I'm not saying I'm the only one to ever feel this way, and I know that many people feel worse than I do.  I don't mean to whine, and I do feel like I'm whining.  But I just want to feel better and don't see how I ever will.  Spring usually helps, but it's gorgeous outside and I just feel wretched.

If anyone has any suggestions for coping with this feeling, feel free to share.  Chocolate doesn't even help, how awful is that?

Taxes and Houses

It's hard to determine when I should update.  There's not much going on here.  I spent way too much at Target a week ago, but I've been very well behaved since then.  I'm pretty sure I don't deserve praise for that.

Lately I've been worrying over how much my paycheck is going to shrink since payroll taxes went up.  I worked on my budget last weekend and my best guess would leave me with $32 after I pay all my bills.  That won't buy me gas for two weeks let alone groceries for four weeks or laundry money for the month.  I altered some payment options for credit cards I was paying more than the minimum on and increased my take home pay and heaved a sigh of cautious relief that I might be able to afford gas or laundry, but not both, and maybe groceries for two weeks.  Happily, February is a short month.  Not that that will make any difference in the coming months when my paycheck remains stagnant and my bills continue to come due.

And last week my boss gave us a flyer indicating what the median salaries of those in our profession with equivalent experience earned.  Learning that I make $18,000 less a month than the average salary of other librarians really gave me a confidence boost.  It's horrible to realize that your employer undervalues you so much.  I've toyed with the notion of getting a second job, but the thought of leaving here, rushing home then rushing out to another job for three or four hours feels me with dread.  With my mental and physical conditions I don't think I could handle it.  I've also thought of working out of my apartment.  I'll continue to research my options in that regard.

I talked to a Loan Officer at a bank who gave me contact information about an FHA Loan Officer.  I spoke to her this morning and she's running my credit and all that other good stuff.  She's calling back later today.  I'm praying really hard right now.  I think my credit is pretty good and hopefully so will she.  It's all very nerve wracking.  I definitely don't need this stress right now.  And it's making me really hungry.  I'm trying to convince myself I am NOT hungry.  It's not going well.  And water just isn't satisfying.

On top of all that, my car is at the dealership for a recall repair.  Thankfully it is a recall and it is a free repair. But now I feel trapped at work, which I don't like.  Who knew having a car in the parking lot was so essential to my well-being?

Oh, Paul, you torment me so.

Reading II Corinthians this morning I was moved to tears.

It's no secret I'm struggling with faith.  It's gotten a bit worse over the past few weeks.  It hasn't been the overarching faith, my belief was still strong.  But this morning, before my reading, I questioned Him and myself and our relationship.

And then I read II Corinthians 13.

"Put yourselves to the test to see if you are in the faith; examine yourselves!  Or do you not recognize regarding yourselves that Jesus Christ is in you -- unless, indeed, you fail the test!" II Corinthians 13:5 (NET)

I've read a lot of scripture lately about testing faith, testing God, standing the test.  And my Nana liked the story of Gideon and encouraged us to lay out the fleece and see what happens.  I did that today.  But I still feel a bit lost.

I want a house.  I need to get out of the apartment I'm in and move somewhere I feel safe.  And I know that living in a house will probably not make me feel much safer, but it's a move I've wanted to make for years.  I applied for pre-approval for a mortgage today.  I hope to hear back from them tomorrow.  But I'm not sure if I'm going about this backwards.  I need some advice from people who have bought a house recently and I will be asking friends about the proper steps I should take as soon as I see them again.  But I'm convinced I should have a soft yes from a bank before I put a Realtor to work for me.  I just don't know.

The fleece has been laid out.  I'll see what happens tomorrow.

Malachi 3:10

I'm not enamored with the idea of testing God.  But He did challenge us to.  "Test me on this to see if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until there is no room for it all."  

I've never been good at Tithing.  I try to give an offering, but I've  never given a tenth of what I earn.  Mostly because I don't earn that much, being a librarian at a rather small university.  I know it's just an excuse.  I'm just not dedicated.  And I'm a little afraid, what with the massive debt and wanting to buy groceries and all.  

But He has been bludgeoning me on this topic for a couple of years.  And it occurs to me that I should have a greater fear of not obeying Him than of not being able to pay my debts.  And He has promised to take care of me.  Which is where the lack of trust thing comes into play.  It's a dangerous cycle.

Yesterday, when I was paying my bills, I wrote a check to my church for one tenth of my paycheck.  It was a bit terrifying, but also made me excited.  I'm excited about giving my money to the church, to God. He gave it to me, I'm just giving back to Him.  It's overwhelming.  Even now I can't keep the smile off my face and my eyes are filling with tears.  This is a huge step for me, and I can feel how proud He is of this step.  I'm actually less worried about my financial future than I ever have been before.  And it is because I am placing all of my monetary worries on Him.  

I'm still not comfortable with the idea of 'testing' Him.  But I can't wait to see what happens next.