"Out of Sight, Out of Mind"

My grandmother used to say that when she accused of us not visiting her often enough.  She was always joking, mostly, because we visited her all the time and always thought about her and bought her gifts when we were out and about without her.  But I've found, since I moved away from my family, that this is true.

Maybe it's just my SAD kicking in, but the fact that they never call me and I've had two visits from family members in the past thirteen years.  That, to me, sounds like "out of sight, out of mind."

Then, again, maybe I'm just whining.  I hate this time of year.  My mood swings worse than a carnival ride.  I used to travel home at least twice a year and that seemed enough to me.  It did bother me that I was always the one traveling, but I felt like I was going home and coming back to Indiana felt like was just a temporary resting place.  But I'm here now, I live here and it feels like home here.  So I haven't been going home as often.  And I can't afford to go home as often.  And I would understand if family didn't have money to travel either.  But they do.  They travel all the time.  But they never travel to see me.  "Out of sight, out of mind."

Is a title mandatory?

I really dislike this time of year.  The dark starting earlier and earlier.  The cold creeping in.  The holidays coming up....

My mom called me Friday evening and my heart started pounding.  See, my mom, actually no one in my family, ever calls me.  Unless someone has died.  Or they need something.  As soon as I saw her name on the caller ID I began a checklist of who has a dangerous occupation or has a serious medical condition.  I immediately thought of my dad, because he does have a rather dangerous occupation.  Or my sister, who has medical issues that she is still coping with.  And she has been in the hospital or taken to emergency at least once a year for the past three years.

So imagine my surprise when she just wanted to know if I wanted something out of the attic.  She's been cleaning out the attic for the past six months and came across some pots and pans and dinnerware that I might like.   We actually had a pleasant conversation.  And I didn't have to call to initiate it.

Which leads me to the thing with the heart pounding fear.  I have anxiety, sometimes very serious anxiety issues.  I struggle tremendously this time of year with depression, which goes hand in hand with anxiety.  So while I'm out walking at dusk, which starts at 6 now, I fight panic as I try and decide who is dead or in the hospital.  Not a good way to go through life.

Being alone

It's not the same as being lonely.  A lot of people don't understand that.  They believe that because I'm alone I must be lonely all the time.  Not so much.

Of course, I get lonely.  There are times when I want someone to enjoy a meal with or go to the movies with me.  But most of the time I'm happier alone.  Crowds make me anxious.  And I'm the type of personality that likes to make people happy, which doesn't always make me happy.  When I'm alone I can do what I want when I want.  I don't have to worry about what others want to do.  And I don't like to consider every action and how people will judge me for it.  There is no one that I can be myself with.  I feel as if I'm always hiding something.  When I'm alone I don't worry about others.  It's freeing, actually, living alone and spending time alone.  I can't imagine anyone I'd rather be with.

Someone give me a mortgage!

I have to get out of this apartment.

Don't get me wrong, I like my apartment.  It's just enough room, it's comfortable, and I've made it my space.  But my neighbors....

I don't know what they smoke, and honestly I don't want to know, but it stinks up the stairwell.  Not to mention the leaving of their shoes in the middle of the corridor.  Who does that?  Not to mention the leaving of clothes, cigarette butts, plastic bags and other paraphernalia outside.

And the people who live here now....  I don't feel unsafe, per se, but I walk from my car to my door as quickly as I can.

And then there's the shouting, and the slamming doors, and the shouting.  I need to get out of here.

Trust issues

It's not surprising I have trust issues.  Everyone does, right?  The problem is that my trust issues seem to be expanding.

I wasn't always like this.  I use to trust everyone.  I trusted too much.  And everyone let me down.  They were human and I don't blame them.  I set my hopes too high and they let me down.  So, over time, I learned not to trust people.  And now I don't trust anyone.  I've learned to do everything myself.  When I need help I figure it out and I get it done, no matter what needs to be done.  I'm self sufficient and I'm okay with that.  The problem is that I find it difficult to trust in God.

I turn to His word for comfort, but I can't believe His promises.  It's my own failing.  That trust issue thing.  I want to believe, but I read His word and I want to believe and... it doesn't happen.  But I'm working on it.  It's not easy and it's not going well.