House Hunting

I wish I could say I was feeling better.  That's just not the case.  But at least I don't feel worse.

Two weeks ago I met with a Realtor and looked at a couple of houses.  We looked at four more on Friday. I really wanted to find a house, but none of them felt like home.  One was very nice and almost felt like home.  I could see myself living there, but not living there forever.  I do realize it's unlikely that I'll end up living in the house forever, but I want to feel like I could live there forever.  Hopefully he'll come up with a few more to look at this week.

I still feel like God is leading me.  I've felt confident about the Realtor and I have a very strong feeling that everything's going to take place in the next two weeks.  I have spring break next week and I've felt since January that that will be the week.  This strong intuition thing runs in the family.  My nana had strong intuition too.  She always told me to be still and listen and then do what His voice told me to do.  And He's telling me to be patient until spring break and that's when He'll give me my house.

I'm still struggling with depression and it's becoming more and more difficult to leave the house.  I really hate this feeling.  Especially when spring is so close.  Spring is my season.  It's warm at last, it's sunny all the time, and the days keep getting longer.  It was beautiful today and I had to force myself to get out and take a walk.  I enjoyed the walk, but I didn't enjoy all of the people out on this beautiful day.  People are just driving me crazy.  And they're not doing anything!  They're not harassing me, they're not talking to me or yelling at each other or doing anything else that would irritate me.  They're just going about their business, but I want to be away from them.

I see my councilor in two weeks and I've taken a chance at inviting people into my home for Bible study.  I love these people, I truly do.  And my councilor does help me.  I work with people.  I have to be with them.  So I really, really need to get over this feeling.  I honestly don't know what to do.  Beyond praying desperately for strength and patience, I can think of nothing else to do.

Dealing with Depression

I really couldn't tell you what is wrong with me.  It defies explanation.   I can describe the symptoms, tell you what I don't want to do and what I do what to do, but finding a word, or ten, to help you understand what I feel is impossible.

What I can tell you is that I just want to be at home.  I have to force myself out of my apartment, so you can understand how my work is suffering.  I usually enjoy my job.  Now I can't focus and just count the hours until I can go home.  You can also imagine how I have little passion for finding a house.

I don't understand how people live like this.  I'm not saying I'm the only one to ever feel this way, and I know that many people feel worse than I do.  I don't mean to whine, and I do feel like I'm whining.  But I just want to feel better and don't see how I ever will.  Spring usually helps, but it's gorgeous outside and I just feel wretched.

If anyone has any suggestions for coping with this feeling, feel free to share.  Chocolate doesn't even help, how awful is that?